


Resentment

by ErykahChanel



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, Fix-It, Hopeful Ending, Hurt, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Post Episode: S02E20 Beside Still Water, Resentment, Residual Anger, Toxic Relationship, post season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 05:11:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14742600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErykahChanel/pseuds/ErykahChanel
Summary: Magnus had no problem taking Alec back after the soul sword debacle, but as time goes on, he realizes it isn't something he'll get over as quickly as he'd hoped.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Beyoncé's _Resentment" _.__
> 
> ___I wish I could believe you, then I'd be alright;  
>  But now everything you told me,   
> really don't apply to the way I feel inside.  
> Loving you was easy - once upon a time,  
> But now my suspicions of you have multiplied;  
> And it's all because you _lied _.___
> 
> ______I only give you a hard time,  
>  Cause I can't go on and pretend like   
> I haven't tried to forget this;  
> But I'm much too full of _resentment _.___ _
> 
> ______I'd like to give a massive thank you to[laquing](https://laquing.tumblr.com). For encouraging me to share my work, for being my editor in chief, for being my friend. I love you._ _ _ _ _ _

“Do you want me to stay?” 

 

Alec had one foot out the door already, but he was hesitating. The fact that he’d been prepared to leave at all was unsettling, but that’s just the way things were now. This was their new normal, it seemed. 

 

Months passed. Seasons changed. People moved on, but not Alec and Magnus. 

 

For them, each day was a fight; not the kind that left you battered and bruised, bleeding for all to see. Their fight was the kind that forced them to keep going, whether they liked it or not. 

 

Magnus looked up from the book he’d been reading. He didn’t remember the title, but it wasn’t important. He’d made it a point to do anything to keep from having to watch Alec leave, night after night. Reading, fixing a drink, decorating, showering - anything to keep busy. Anything to distract him during those few moments. 

 

Now, Alec wasn’t letting him remain distracted. He wasn’t going to just walk out at ten pm, like he’d gotten used to doing. He adjusted the bag on his shoulder, making Magnus tense. 

 

Alec brought the same thing every time: his bow and quiver, a change of clothes, and other toiletries. He’d been doing it in hopes that one day, he’d get to stay. 

 

“Alec, we can’t…” Magnus trailed off. What more was there to say? 

 

They’d raked over the subject about a dozen times. Magnus wasn’t ready to fall back into their old habits. Alec claimed he understood, then he started showing up with that damned bag, as if that would sway Magnus somehow. 

 

“Okay,” Alec tried masking his disappointment. “I’ll see you later.” 

 

The book felt heavy in Magnus’ lap as he watched Alec go.

* * *

 

“Does this taste okay?” Alec slid a glass over to Magnus. 

As hard as he’d tried, cooking was the one thing Alec couldn’t be taught. Magnus wasn’t sure how one man could get such a fundamental skill so... _ wrong _ , but he did. Then again, when you devote yourself to a life of killing the way Shadowhunters did, that didn’t leave much time for domestic things. It was with this in mind he scrapped Alec’s cooking lessons, and moved on to something a little easier. 

Drinks. 

The drinks were better, because if Alec messed up and added more gin than tonic, the person consuming it would end up too drunk to care. 

Magnus brought the glass to his lips and took a tentative sip, aware of Alec’s eyes fixed on him. He’d been looking at him like that a lot. Eyes wide and hopeful, seeking his approval. 

The alcohol went down his throat like liquid gold, and Magnus welcomed the burn. 

“This is good,” He said, leaning over to kiss Alec on the cheek. He responded with a sigh before grabbing Magnus’ wrist to pull him in for a real one. 

Magnus slid his own hands up over Alec’s chest, gently pushing him backwards until he was able to break away. He hated this. He hated not being able to get lost in the taste of lips that spoke such lovely words to him. Alec was only half-surprised. Magnus had been torturing him with brief kisses and feather light touches since they’d gotten back together; this wasn’t out of the ordinary, yet it was. 

“Still not there yet?” Alec was smiling, but his eyes betrayed him. 

“I’m afraid not.” Magnus said quietly, diverting his attention back to the glass he’d been holding. “But I’ll have another one of these, if you don’t mind.” Alec didn’t. 

Maybe that was his problem - he never minded anything. He’d throw himself against death’s door if it meant the people he loved would be safe, and up until a short while ago, Magnus would’ve sworn that included him as well. 

Now, he knew better, and it was killing him. 

* * *

 

Alec was a large man. 

Not in weight, but in stature. He was sprawled across the couch, nothing but long legs and tousled hair. If you managed to tickle or startle him, he’d become a mess of flailing limbs. The sun was setting outside, casting the room in a warm glow. Rays of sunshine danced across the exposed skin of Alec’s back, and Magnus wanted nothing more than to kneel beside him and kiss the runes there, gently waking him. 

But they weren’t there yet. 

He leaned against the door of his own bedroom, and found that he’d quit staring at Alec lovingly and longingly. The look in his eyes had shifted to something that resembled a glare, and he forced himself to soften up; to not harbor such hostility; to not feel this amount of  _ resentment _ . 

Alec stirred in his sleep, slowly rolling until he wasn’t facing the window. Magnus was frozen where he stood, silently wishing Alec would get up and leave on his own, because he didn’t have the strength to walk over there and wake him. He knew that if he did, he’d be at the mercy of those drowsy, hazel eyes, and he wasn’t ready. He could’ve waved a hand and caused Alec’s shirt to appear, or made a pot fall from its place in the kitchen to wake him up, but deep down, Magnus didn’t want to do any of those things. He wanted him to stay. 

He wanted Alec to fall asleep in his arms, in  _ their  _ bed, like before - but they weren’t there yet. 

They hadn’t been for a while, and he wasn’t sure if they ever would be. 

* * *

 

Magnus was fast asleep. 

Alec had pulled out all the stops earlier. 

Their day began with fresh fruit, mimosas, and the soft sounds of a Spanish guitar drifting from the speakers in the loft. Magnus double-checked his calendar, wanting to be sure they weren’t celebrating a holiday he hadn’t been aware of, but Alec was there to assure him that there was no special occasion. He had the entire day free, and wanted to spend it with his boyfriend. 

They went to an art museum shortly after. Alec enjoyed walking hand in hand with Magnus, pausing to look at the exhibits. Occasionally, Magnus would lean in close to reveal things about the artist, or the time period depicted. He’d gone red in the face when Magnus revealed that Michelangelo was good in bed, but laughed it off before Magnus could say another word. This time, there was no hand holding. No sharing of stories from a time long before Alec even existed. 

There was only silence, dense and towering between them like a wall of concrete. Magnus kept his hands to himself, and Alec kept his wrapped around himself, praying it would be enough to keep him from falling apart. 

Alec pulled Magnus into a dusty record store, confusing him slightly. All the music Alec listened to could be found on iTunes, so there was no reason why he’d be sidling up to the cashier, asking about a “special order”. The order turned out to be a small collection of rare records, with songs dating back as early as 1900. Records that old weren’t the type you just stumbled upon - they took time;  _ months  _ of searching. They’d been escorted to a private room in the back of the shop, reserved for those who liked to lose themselves in the music away from prying eyes. 

There was a song from every decade, each one about love. 

Love, hope, laughter, trust, life, and forgiveness.

 

_ Forgiveness.  _

Magnus let Alec take his hand when it was time to go. He felt he’d earned that much for the time being. 

When they got home, there was another surprise waiting for him. 

The floor was littered with rose petals in every shade, marking a pathway from the front door to the bathroom, where the tub was surrounded by scented candles. Alec could feel the tension radiating from him, even with his back turned, but he refused to let it ruin their night. 

He took it upon himself to strip Magnus of his clothes, kissing his skin as it was revealed to him. 

“Alec, I-” Magnus wanted him to leave. He didn’t want to be lulled into a false sense of security. He didn’t want to end what had turned out to be a lovely day on a sour note. 

“We’re just taking a bath,” Alec said, reaching around him to turn the water on. “Nothing more - I promise.” 

_ Promise _ .

The word burned in Magnus’ ears, and he turned away from Alec as he began removing his own clothes. 

They ended up in the tub, with Alec leaning against the edge, and Magnus nestled between his legs with his back pressed against his chest. Steam rose from the water, but that wasn’t Alec’s doing. Magnus could never be fully in control of himself when Alec was this close, and this naked. 

He felt Alec’s hands slowly worming their way around his waist, and closed his eyes as he felt lips on the side of his neck. 

“I know things have been...difficult, these last few months,” Alec said. “But I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” 

_ Sorry _ . 

One more burning word. 

“Alexander, you don’t have to keep apologizing,” Magnus said. Each time he did, it was like picking at an open wound, never allowing it to heal. “It’s fine.” 

It wasn’t fine, and he couldn’t fool Alec into thinking it was. “No, it isn’t, because we’re still not together.” 

This made Magnus turn to face him, moving slowly as not to slosh water out of the tub. 

“Not together?” He frowned, gesturing around them. “Is this not the closest we’ve been since-” 

“Since the night we got back from Hunter’s Moon?” Alec said sadly. “We aren’t together, Magnus. I’m here - I am  _ right here _ , and your mind is still back there. It’s still in my office, hating me for lying to you about the sword.” 

The truth spilled out much like the water from the faucet in the tub; hard, and fast. 

Magnus could only stare back in silence, unable to deny that Alec was right. They weren’t together at all - not like before. 

There’d been a time when they were together in every sense of the word; falling into step when they walked beside one another, finishing each other’s sentences more than their own. The contrast between then and now was unprecedented. 

“How did we get here?” Alec sounded hurt. “How do I fix it? I’ll do whatever it takes to make this better, you know that. I love you.” 

_ I love you _ . 

Funny, how those words only came from Alec’s mouth when the topic had veered to him and his monumental fuck up. Magnus winced and climbed out of the tub. 

The thought had been an ugly one, and a false one at that. Alec told him he loved him every minute of every day - no words necessary. 

Alec was right behind him, following him to the bedroom. They were dripping water all over the carpet, but Magnus didn’t care. 

“Why do you do this?” Alec asked. “You’re not the type to walk away.” There was a brutal irony in his words, as it was Magnus walking away that led them to where they were right now. 

There was some truth in them as well. Magnus wasn’t known for walking away. He never felt like he’d have a reason to, until he did. It was one of the single most painful things he’d ever done, but he felt like it was his only option, so he’d walked. He’d turned away from the love of his life, and walked away, feeling his own heart being crushed under the weight of each step. 

Magnus snatched open a drawer to find some clothes to slip into. The conversation alone was enough to leave him feeling stripped and bare - he didn’t need his skin to feel that way any longer. Alec watched in silence as Magnus tugged on a pair of shorts and a faded t-shirt. The contrast was painfully symbolic. 

Alec, naked and unafraid, ready to face the massive elephant in the room, and Magnus, donning cotton garments as if it were armor to shield him from it all. 

Magnus exhaled sharply and whirled around to face Alec again. He hated him. 

He loved him, but right now, he hated him more, and it was breaking his heart. Alec represented everything they had before, and how impossibly distant they’d grown. On top of that, Alec never stopped apologizing; it was embedded in everything he did. He’d spend every waking moment trying to make up for what he’d done, but he shouldn’t have to. 

Surely, Magnus should’ve forgiven him by now, right? He should’ve been done looking at Alec with guarded eyes that questioned his every move, right? When one makes a mistake in a relationship, you don’t shoulder it from then on, as if it were a sword to be wielded should a fight arise. That wasn’t love - that was  _ war _ . 

Forgetting was out of the question. Magnus would never forget, and Alec would never ask him to, but forgiveness was supposed to be absolute. That was the one thing that could make or break even the strongest of relationships: the ability to forgive one another. 

Magnus wished he’d been as intent on forgiving Alec as Alec was about earning his forgiveness, but he’d given up on that a long time ago. Instead, he’d let himself dredge up all of Alec’s mistakes, because he was still hurting. He didn’t think he’d ever stop, and seeing Alec heal was almost more than he could bear. 

It was unpleasant, but how could he do anything else? How could he open his heart and home to Alec after what he’d done, and not let him feel how close his actions had come to destroying them both? It wasn’t a trivial thing that had torn them apart; it was quite literally life or death. 

A weapon, powerful enough to destroy Magnus along with everyone else with demon blood in their veins, had gone missing. A psychopath with the intent to kill demon blooded creatures was  _ also  _ missing. Alec had been thinking like a leader - as he always did - and regarded Magnus as such when he decided to withhold the information from him, and that’s what made Magnus grow to resent him.

People were quick to cast judgement when one’s heart got in the way of their duties, but never said a word when one’s heart failed to act. 

Alec had apologized profusely, and told Magnus over and over the reason he’d kept his mouth shut, but it wasn’t enough; it’d never be enough. Had the roles been reversed, Magnus would’ve trusted Alec to keep the information a secret. He would’ve loved him enough to warn him, to protect him, to make sure he and his people were safe. 

Hearing about the sword through the grapevine instead of Alec felt like a slap in the face. It was like all the voices whispering in Magnus’ head had turned to shouts. 

_ Silly warlock. Shadowhunters always choose their own, don’t you know? You were foolish to think Alec would be any different.  _

Alec was still standing there, looking at Magnus with love in his eyes. He’d never bring himself to hate Magnus, no matter what he did. He could make snide comments, ice him out, and refuse to look at him, but Alec wouldn’t hate him. 

Things would’ve been  _ so  _ much easier if he did.

“I need a minute.” Was all Magnus said. 

Alec left the room to get dressed, and clean up around the loft. 

Hours slipped by, and the sky went dark. The rose petals were drying at the bottom of a trash can, and all the candles had been blown out. Magnus had been deadly silent in his room, and Alec couldn’t take it anymore. He eased the door open, and paused. 

Magnus was curled up on the bed, sleeping soundly. There were dark marks on the satin pillowcase, and when Alec moved closer, he could see the skin around Magnus’ eyes was tinged with red. 

He’d cried himself to sleep alone. 

Alec knew that if Magnus were awake, he’d be asking him to leave. He’d be telling him not to come any closer, and he certainly would’ve protested when he peeled the covers back, and slipped in beside him. Magnus’ breathing changed when Alec wrapped his arms around him, but rather than waking up and kicking him out, he moved closer. His subconscious mind was stirring, telling him that the man he loved was near. 

Alec closed his eyes, and slept peacefully for the first time in months. 


	2. Chapter 2

Waking up was different. 

 

Magnus’ eyes opened first, squinting against the harsh glints of the morning sun. He was impossibly warm, and froze at the sight of an arm circling his waist, covered in runes. He moved his hips slightly, and felt the length of Alec’s body pressing against his back. 

 

_ They weren’t there yet.  _

 

Tears pricked the back of his eyes, and he knew he had to get out of that bed before he suffocated. 

 

He disentangled himself from Alec slowly, and felt his stomach clench painfully as Alec’s hands slid around the space where he’d been. He frowned in his sleep when he felt an empty bed, but settled down eventually. 

 

Magnus had to leave the room, then, because it was too much, too soon. 

 

Slowly but surely, he began to remember. The way the bed had shifted as Alec joined him. The feeling of smooth arms and legs rubbing against him. The warmth of Alec’s lips, pressing against the back of his neck until he’d fallen asleep. The cool, gentle touch of a hand slipping under his shirt to rest against his abdomen. 

 

A part of him had known Alec was there the entire time; the part that didn’t want to fight. 

 

Magnus went about his morning routine before sitting in the kitchen, staring down at a cup of tea. Alec would be waking any minute, and he had to be ready. 

* * *

 

Alec woke up after stretching across the bed, and realizing he was alone. He sat up and looked around, but didn’t see Magnus anywhere. 

 

There was a pain in the back of his throat; the kind you only got when you were about to cry, only the tears never came. Magnus was probably waiting to lecture him, to tell him once again that they weren’t there yet. This time, the lecture would we earned. Alec had crossed a line - he could admit that - but he couldn’t help himself. 

 

They’d had such a lovely day together, and if it had been any other time, Magnus would’ve been the first one to drag Alec into the bedroom so they could do a lot more than snuggle under the sheets. Now, Alec felt like it was a crime to want a little intimacy. 

 

He went to the bathroom to freshen up, and pulled on some clean clothes before leaving the safety of the bedroom. Sure enough, Magnus was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, looking thoughtful. Alec cleared his throat, catching his attention. 

 

_ By the Angel, he looked perfect.  _

 

Magnus was attracted to Alec twenty-four hours a day, but mornings were by far his favorite. Especially mornings like this, when the perfect amount of light was spilling into the loft, and Alec was still wandering between being half-asleep, and wide awake before he had his coffee. He was softer now. 

 

“Good morning,” Alec said, scratching his arm. “I’m sorry for…” He didn’t bother finishing that sentence, because he wasn’t sorry at all. 

 

He’d spent the night with the man of his dreams cradled in his arms; he’d never apologize for that. 

 

“Have a seat.” Magnus clutched his teacup with both hands. His fingers were itching to pull Alec closer, to caress his skin, and ruffle his hair. That wouldn’t benefit either of them. 

 

Alec sat in the chair across from him, and no one spoke for a while. The weight of the conversation they’d yet to have was already taking a toll on Magnus, and for a minute, he wanted to forget the whole thing, and go back to bed. Maybe if they laid beside each other for a little while longer, he wouldn’t have to break Alec’s heart. 

 

He was looking Magnus the way he did that night behind Hunter’s Moon. 

 

_ I don’t think I can live without you.  _

 

Magnus put his teacup on the table, but kept his hands around it. “I think it’s time for you to go.” 

 

“Oh,” He laid his hands flat on the table. “Last night, I...I overstepped, didn’t I?” The answer to that question was blatantly obvious, and rubbed Magnus the wrong way. 

 

The bedroom was supposed to be their safe space; the place where they could laugh, cry, and melt into one another in peace. It was supposed to be neutral ground, not some foreign land marked over with imaginary lines. 

 

_ Fuck, it wasn’t supposed to be like this _ .

 

“This isn’t about last night,” Magnus paused. “What I meant to say was, I think it’s time for you to go, permanently.” Alec flinched like he’d been slapped.

 

“What? No,” He frowned. “I made a mistake. You put boundaries in place for a reason. I was selfish, and didn’t respect them. I won’t do it again.” 

 

“Alexander, do you hear yourself right now?” Magnus asked. “You’re promising not to sleep with me anymore.”

 

“Not until you’re ready,” Alec added. “If you need me to back off, I will. You know that.” 

 

“I know a great deal of things,” Magnus rubbed his temples. “Like the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can’t bring myself to forgive you.” 

 

Words were like bombs; once they began to drop, the only thing you could do was brace yourself for impact. 

 

Alec had forgotten to do that. 

 

This was his routine now. Using any and every opportunity to show Magnus how sorry he was, coming up with a thousand ways to make sure he knew that he loved him more each day than the day before. He was used to the occasional exasperated sigh, or the hopeless murmuring of his name. He could deal with Magnus feeling annoyed, or even overwhelmed. That was to be expected. 

 

But this was the one thing he’d never stopped to think about. 

 

“What?” Alec’s voice was hoarse. “You don’t...what do you mean?” Alec had been so sure he was already forgiven, and that the strain in their relationship was leftover from the breakup, and nothing more. 

 

“I mean,” Magnus took a deep breath. “It isn’t fair for us to go on like this. With you, putting in so much effort to make sure we’re okay, and me loathing you for it.” 

 

“Magnus,” Alec looked genuinely upset then. “You’re not the only one that’s been struggling all this time.” Magnus’ lips parted, but nothing came out. 

 

“It’s been hard for me to forgive you too,” Alec retorted. It gets harder every time you lash out at me, but I understand why. I hurt you -  _ badly _ . I’ll take every blow if it’ll make you feel better.” Magnus shook his head and stood up from the table, heading into the living room. 

 

It was saddening, how toxic they’d become. 

 

Any relationship where one person was willing to be treated badly in order to appease the other person, no matter how hard it became, wasn’t a relationship worth having at all. 

 

“Alec,” Magnus sighed. “You deserve so much better than this. Don’t you see? “

 

“There’s nothing better than you,” Alec was right behind him when he turned around. “What part of that is so hard to understand?” It wasn’t hard to understand at all. 

 

Magnus knew he was the one for Alec; he’d made that clear from the beginning. He’d never love another, and Magnus would never love anyone the way he did Alec. His love was the reason he had to do this in the first place. 

 

“I don’t want you here,” Magnus averted his eyes. “Not if it means we’re going to be like this from now on.” 

 

“We  _ won’t  _ be like this all the time,” A crease was forming between Alec’s eyebrows. “Will we?” If the last few months were anything to go by, he couldn’t know for sure. 

 

The days and weeks all blended together after a while, but when he stopped to think about it, they’d been back together for a  _ long  _ time. Just how long was this going to continue? 

 

He was standing his ground, in the midst of his confusion, and Magnus wished he’d just give up for once. Things would be so much easier that way. 

 

“Magnus, look at me,” Alec stepped closer. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I’m not leaving. Not this time. There are rules now. Rules about us sleeping together, because you’re not ready, and last night, I broke it.” 

 

“Alec.” Magnus closed his eyes. 

 

_ Please stop talking.  _

 

“I saw you lying there, and realized how much I missed you,” When he opened them again, Alec was staring back at him. “You were sleeping so peacefully, and I just- I was weak for a minute. I missed you so  _ fucking  _ much. We went from not being able to fall asleep unless we were in bed together, to not sleeping together at all.” Alec had never admitted it out loud, but that was the closest he’d ever felt to being abandoned. 

 

Magnus hadn’t stopped sharing his bed with him because of circumstances beyond his control; he told Alec they couldn’t sleep together because he didn’t  _ want  _ to, and that hurt more than anything else. 

 

Magnus pressed his lips together. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

 

“I want you to say that you still love me,” Alec’s hands curled into half-fists before he relaxed them again. 

 

“Of course I still love you,” Magnus looked pained. “Do you think I could ever stop?” 

 

“I don’t know, maybe,” Alec said glumly. “Sometimes, it feels like you’re just...tired. Of me, of my apologies, of all this.” 

 

“That’s not-”

 

“And don’t say it’s not true,” Alec cut him off. “We both know it is.” 

 

“Well,” Magnus narrowed his eyes. “If you know, then why are you still here?” 

 

“Because I refuse to be the one to walk away,” Alec crossed his arms. “I don’t want to hurt you the way you hurt me that night.” 

 

That night was still fresh in Alec’s mind. If Isabelle hadn’t come out and found him in the hallway, he would’ve laid on the floor all night, curled up, unable to breathe. The pain wasn’t new to him - he was very familiar with it. The kind that came after disappointing someone you loved, despite having their best interest at heart. The pain itself wasn’t what had Alec holding his stomach, wishing it would all come to an end - it was the fact that Magnus had been the one disappointed. 

 

“That was different!” Magnus yelled. “I wasn’t walking away from you because I didn’t think you loved me anymore, and it certainly wasn’t because I thought you’d grown tired of me.” 

 

“Then why?” Alec snapped. “What was the reason behind it all?” 

 

“That was my  _ life _ !” Magnus could hardly stand to look at him. Had they not been through this before? Had he not stood in this very room and took Alec from A to Z, explaining  _ why  _ he’d been so angry? 

 

“And this is mine!” Alec’s voice was raw with pain. “Magnus, please. I can’t leave you. You have to let me stay, just this once. I can’t leave like this, I’ll...I don’t think I can survive being without you again.” Magnus had to turn away again, because Alec wasn’t the only one hurting. 

 

He both admired and hated the way Alec was able to tear himself open so easily. There was no slow revelation, no careful removal of the mask. Once the facade was gone, he was all you could see. All the need, the desperation, the panic lingering behind those hazel eyes. It was all laid out for Magnus to see. The worst part was that he’d keep doing it, over and over again, as if he were constantly taking a blade to himself to prove a point. 

 

_ Can’t you see the way I bleed for you? Don’t you know what it means?  _

 

If he didn’t stop him, he’d keep hurting himself, because he’d continue thinking that it was what Magnus wanted him to do. The only way to end it was to disarm him entirely. 

 

Magnus closed his eyes and clenched his fists until his nails were digging into his palms. There was no use in thinking it was going to hurt him more than it hurt Alec, but he thought it anyway. 

 

“You were  _ everything _ ,” The words seeped out slowly, and tasted like venom as he turned. “I trusted you, Alexander! I cared for you! I prayed to every higher power, angel and demon alike that you remained healthy, happy, and strong. And look at how you repaid me- how you  _ chose  _ to repay me!” Red wisps of unrepressed magic sparked at his fingertips. 

 

“Magnus, I…” Alec’s eyes were filling with tears, but Magnus couldn’t stop. Alec wouldn’t leave when he asked him to, so he had to drive him away the only way he knew how. 

 

“You are  _ nothing  _ to me,” Magnus’ voice was like ice. “You’ve lost  _ all  _ my trust. You may as well be dead to me, because truthfully, I don’t recognize the man standing before me anymore.”

 

That was the biggest lie he’d ever tell. He knew Alec better than anyone - no amount of screwing up in the world would change who he was inside, but he said it anyway. 

 

Alec was frozen in place, hugging himself as he caught sight of the fire in Magnus’ eyes. It was a vindictive, visceral rage. In the past, it wouldn’t have phased Alec in the slightest. He would’ve known that Magnus was only trying to hurt him once more, but in that moment, he knew that his words rang true, and it left him paralyzed. 

 

“Get out,” Magnus snapped his fingers, and the front door eased open. “Your presence makes me sick.”

 

Magnus couldn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth. He could practically see a gaping hole in Alec’s chest, right where his heart had been.

 

A long time ago, when Alec was a child, he’d climbed a tree during one of their family hiking trips. Robert disguised it as endurance and stamina training, but they all knew it was only an excuse to get out and feel the sun on their skin for a change. Alec, being the fastest of the group, ran ahead to climb a medium sized tree. He planned on leaping out of it to scare Isabelle when she passed under it, but he wasn’t aware that his family had stopped to rest, and assumed they’d catch up to him eventually. He lost track of time, dozed off, and ended up falling fifteen feet to the ground, landing flat on his back. 

 

The impact knocked every wisp of air from his lungs, and he laid there struggling to inhale, to exhale, to do anything.   
  
That's how Alec felt the longer he stood there, staring at Magnus, trying to remember how to breathe, unable to speak, totally stunned as halfway coherent thoughts rattled his skull. 

 

The muscles in Magnus’ body tensed as he fought the urge to turn away. He’d been doing that for months now - looking the other way when Alec walked out - and he had to stop. This  _ had  _ to stop. He had to watch Alec go, and this time, for good. 

 

Alec, who was breaking right in front of him once more. 

 

“Magnus,” He whispered, moisture clinging to his lashes. “Please.”

 

_ Please _ . 

 

There was so much love in that one word, it was almost enough to make Magnus crumble, but he stood tall.

 

“Go home, Alexander.” 

 

That was the final blow. Alec couldn’t stay after that. 

 

He didn’t need a house of stone, or a deed with his name on it to let him know when he was home, because Magnus had been his home. His place of rest, his comfort, his world. 

 

It had all been blown to hell with those three little words. 

 

Not  _ get out _ ,  _ leave _ , or  _ go away,  _ but  _ go home, Alexander _ . Go, because this home is no longer yours, and I don’t want you coming back to it. 

 

Alec dragged his feet as he made his way to the front door. A dull ache was spreading throughout his chest, and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to make it out. He paused in the doorway, praying that Magnus would stop him, and ask him to stay.

 

Magnus remained silent, and for the first time in his life, Alec knew what it was like to be truly broken.


	3. Chapter 3

Jace returned to the Institute in a panic. Part of it was induced by the adrenaline of a successful mission still coursing through his veins, and another part was fueled by the unsettling sensation of something being terribly wrong. 

 

His fingers spasmed rhythmically, and he found himself leaning against the wall as his legs began to fold underneath him, leaving him ungainly as a marionette. His heart trembled in his chest with every beat, and he forced himself to straighten up and start running. 

 

_ Alec _ .

 

There was something wrong with Alec. He felt in his bones, tasted it on his tongue. 

 

_ What the hell happened? Why hadn’t anyone called him?  _

 

Jace was sure he’d been running to the infirmary, but his feet had taken him in an entirely different direction. He stopped at the end of the hallway, and spotted Isabelle kneeling by the door to Alec’s room with her ear pressed against it. 

 

“Alec, what’s going on?” She sounded weary, and Jace knew this wasn’t the first time she’d asked. “You’ve been in there all day. Why won’t you talk to me?” 

 

There was a long pause, and no sounds from the opposite side of the door.

 

“You need to eat,” She said. “Or at least say something so I know you’re still breathing.”

 

“Believe me, he’s breathing.” Her face lit up when she heard Jace approaching. 

 

“Oh, thank the Angel, you’re here,” She half smiled. “Maybe he’ll listen to you.” 

 

“He will if he knows what’s good for him,” Jace exhaled slowly. The feelings were intensified now that he was within closer proximity to Alec, and he had to concentrate on keeping his own emotions under control. 

 

Isabelle laid a hand on his shoulder, and held his gaze when he looked down at her. She didn’t say anything, but the message was clear.

 

_ Go easy on him. _

 

Jace nodded once, and she left him alone in the hall.

 

“Alec, you’ve got ten seconds to get your ass up and open this door, or so help me, I’ll break it down.” He said.

 

_ Ten. Nine. Eight. _

 

Unlike Isabelle, Jace wasn’t going to sit outside and beg. If Alec wasn’t coming out, then he was going in - simple as that.

 

_ Seven. Six. Five.  _

 

Jace groaned and stepped back. Alec should know by now that he wasn’t bluffing. 

 

_ Four. Three. Two. _

 

He raised his foot and drew it back, prepared to kick the door off its hinges, when the knob twisted with an almost inaudible  _ click _ . 

 

The door opened an inch. 

 

“I knew you were the smart one,” Jace said, pushing it open further. “Now, why don’t you tell me what’s got you so-” He locked eyes with Alec, and the words became lodged in his throat. 

 

He’d never seen Alec like this. 

 

He stepped aside so Jace could come in, and Jace felt his own chest seize painfully; Alec wasn’t just hurting - he was  _ devastated _ . Jace always prided Alec on being the strongest of the two, but in that moment, he wished he’d been the stronger one instead. He wanted to hug his parabatai, and shield him from the heartache threatening to swallow him whole.

 

“Alec.” Jace’s eyes were swimming with a thousand questions; questions Alec didn’t have the strength to answer. 

 

Jace went ahead and hugged him, and let himself sink to the floor along with Alec. He had no idea what he was supposed to say - Alec was the wiser one when it came to these things. His words came off as blunt more often than not, but they were always effective. He was the type of person that said exactly what you needed to hear, no matter how painful it was. Jace wished he had a mind like that, because if he did, he’d know what to say to Alec. 

 

Instead, he reached out to him through their bond, swaddling him with love and warmth. Alec sat in silence, soaking it all in. Unbeknownst to Jace, Alec didn’t need him to say anything at all - he just needed someone to listen. 

 

Soon enough, Alec was falling apart - another first for Jace - and managed to fill Jace in on the last twenty-four hours. 

 

“He said he didn’t trust me anymore,” Hot tears spilled down Alec’s cheeks. “And I  _ hate  _ him for lying to me like that, like I’m stupid. How can he say he doesn’t trust me? He has to. Why take me back if not out of trust?” Jace didn’t have the answers to any of Alec’s questions, but he let him ramble on anyway, hoping it would distract him from the rage toiling within him. 

 

Magnus was a good man, and even with Alec’s tearful lamentations, he knew at least that much was true. Still, the sight of Alec in tears alone was enough to infuriate him, although Jace knew this couldn’t be the first time he’d come home alone to cry. He sat quietly as Alec dug deeper, filling him in on the last several months as well as yesterday’s events. 

 

He’d been watching Alec for a while, waiting for his smiles to be genuine, and for the light to return to his eyes. He wished like hell this was something he could have protected him from. It would have been simpler to ask Alec how he and Magnus were doing this entire time, but that wasn’t what they did. They bared their hearts and souls to each other constantly, and often not of their own inhibition, but when it came to their respective relationships, they each had a person they went to: Isabelle. She’d seemed just as lost when Jace found her by the door, which meant Alec had likely kept her in the dark as well. 

 

“Jace,” Alec hissed, wincing as he rubbed his palm. “Cut it out.” Jace relaxed his fists, revealing a row of tiny crescent shaped dents, an angry shade of red.

 

“Sorry,” Jace shook his head to clear it. “I’m a little upset. Go on, I’m listening.” 

 

“Why are you upset?” Alec looked concerned. “Did something happen earlier?” It was an innocent question, and so  _ like  _ him. He was quick to stifle his own sorrow to tend to someone else. 

 

“No,” Jace turned to him. “What happened is, I came back from a mission and felt how messed up you were. It was instant, Alec. I knew it from the minute I came through the door. I was expecting to run to the infirmary and find you clinging to life, so you can imagine my surprise when I got here and found you locked in your room, crying your eyes out because your boyfriend’s being a dick.”  

 

“Don’t say that,” Alec shot back. “He’s not. He’s only...he’s hurting, too.” 

 

“It’s the truth,” Jace said. “I know you and I don’t usually talk about this stuff, but this isn’t something I take lightly. It’s your heart, and he’s breaking it. Of course I’m mad.” Alec stared down at the carpet. 

 

Defending Magnus came naturally at this point. As instinctive as breathing in fresh air after feeling like you’d been choking. It’s all Alec had ever wanted to do; defend him, keep him out of harm’s way. It was his way of defending that caused Magnus to walk away in the first place. 

 

“Look,” Jace sighed. “The thing with the sword? You meant well, I know you did. Magnus knows it too, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was messed up. Still, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna be okay with seeing him treat you like shit while you suffer in silence out of love.” Jace had been reluctant to comment on the situation, but he hit the nail on the head. 

 

Alec was indeed suffering in silence out of love, because that’s what he thought he was supposed to be doing. He didn’t get to decide when enough was enough, because he wasn’t the one that had been hurt. If Magnus felt like he needed to punish him for another ten minutes or ten years, he had every right; Alec would let him. It wasn’t the brightest of conclusions to jump to, but it was the only one within reason. 

 

That was the basis of a healthy relationship that turned toxic; the signs were everywhere, some so obvious, they may as well have had neon flashing lights, but if you chose  _ not  _ to see them, they were irrelevant. Yet still, they flashed, and looking the other way became exhausting. 

 

Alec was exhausted.  

 

He began to laugh, and it was a distressing sound. “Oh, if only mom and dad could see me now.” His cheeks were wet, but he didn’t bother wiping them.

 

“I wonder how they’d feel if they knew their brave little leader was holed up in his room, crying over a guy instead of doing his fucking job.” Alec fretted. He could hear their criticism ringing in his ears already. 

 

_ He’s a warlock, Alec. You should’ve seen this coming, Alec. This is what you get for embarrassing us, Alec.  _

 

It was making him sick.

 

“If they have a problem with you and your feelings, I’ll curse them out myself.” Jace pictured the moment, and smiled. 

 

“Why do you even care?” Alec asked, suddenly curious. “It’s not like you knew anything about any of this until today. I didn’t even think you liked Magnus that much to begin with.” 

 

“He and I had a talk, not too long after you guys got together.” Jace looked over at Alec hesitantly. 

 

“You never told me that,” He murmured before his eyes widened. “Oh no. Jace, did you threaten him?” 

 

“No,” Jace said. “I just let him know that I wasn’t gonna let anybody hurt you.” It was Alec’s turn to smile. 

 

He was a completely different person, living a different life back then. He’d gone from willingly walking into his own wedding in his family’s honor, to coming out, and finding himself in a new relationship all in the span of a few days. It was like spending your whole life wading in the shallow end of a pool, then being thrust into a riptide. 

 

He knew he had Isabelle in his corner from the very beginning, but he hadn’t realized Jace had been it it as well - not like this. 

 

“Don’t get me wrong,” Jace put his hands up. “Given the circumstances, you kinda deserve it, but I’m still pissed. 

 

“You’re just taking my side because we’re parabatai,” Alec rested his chin on his knees. 

 

“Well, yeah,” Jace admitted. “But I’m also taking your side because you just spent an hour telling me all the ways Magnus has been hurting you, and all the reasons you think it’s acceptable, which leads me to believe you think you deserve  _ all  _ of it, and you don’t. He needs to know that.” 

 

“You just said I deser-”

 

“I said  _ kinda _ ,” Jace stressed. “The silent treatment? Definitely. Cancelling your Netflix subscription? Okay. Not celebrating your birthday with you? Fine. I get all of that, because I’d probably do the same, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere, Alec. He’s refusing to share his bed with you. He stopped kissing you on the lips. He doesn’t let you hug him. That’s just cruel.” 

 

Alec couldn’t argue with that. It  _ was  _ cruel, but he’d accepted it for the time being. 

 

“Maybe that’s because he was tired of putting up a front,” Alec said. “He told me I’m dead to him. The love probably died with me.” 

 

“Stop it,” Jace snapped. “You’re not dead to anyone, and he still loves you.”

 

“Then why does he make me feel this way?” Alec whispered. Jace threw an arm over his shoulders. 

 

“You feel this way because you love him,” He said. “And sometimes, it hurts.” 

 

_ It hurts like hell. _

 

Alec had always been self-conscious when he cried, but now, he was too tired to care.  He sobbed into his hands and the tears dripped between his fingers, raining down onto the thick carpet.

 

When he cried, there was a rawness to it, like the pain was still an open wound. Sometimes, he’d clasp onto something for support - a table or the back of a chair, - and then his whole body would shake. The sobs were stifled at first as he attempted to hide them, and it wasn’t until he was overcome by the wave of his emotions that he would break down entirely, letting all his defenses be washed away in those salty tears. Jace could only pull him closer, and hold him tighter. It was like he was trying to grab water with his bare hands; the tighter the grip, the more it slipped through his fingers. 

 

Jace caught Alec’s chin and lifted his head so he could see his face, and felt something shift within him. It was the face of one who had suffered before, and didn't know if he could do it again. The worst part was, he  _ could  _ do it again, and if Jace didn’t act now, he would. He’d piece himself together, and bottle everything up behind a mask of coping. Alec would wear it until everything was right again - he didn't know another way.

 

He got to his feet, and reached down for Alec. “Get up.” 

 

“What are you doing?” 

 

“The question is, what do  _ you  _ wanna do? You gonna sit there and cry on my favorite shirt all night, or do you wanna get your man back the right way?” Alec stared at his outstretched hand for a while before taking it. 

 

Jace dragged him over to his bathroom and flipped the light on, making Alec squint. He wet a towel with cold water and began wiping his face. 

 

“You don’t have to do that,” He tried to move away. Jace wasn’t exactly gentle. 

 

“Be still, damn it,” Jace was alternating between standing on his toes, and pulling Alec’s shoulder down so their faces were level. “Your face is red. You need to cool your skin down before we leave.”

 

Finally, he balled the towel up and threw it in the sink, fiddling around until he found a hairbrush. 

 

“Jace, I’m not a doll,” Alec groaned. Jace had closed the lid on the toilet and made Alec sit there while he fixed his hair. 

 

“No, you’re a  _ hot mess _ ,” Jace tsked. He fussed over him for a few minutes before handing him the brush. “Never mind - you deal with this. Where’s that dark green shirt you used to wear all the time?” 

 

Alec opened his mouth to speak, but Jace was already headed straight for his closet. 

 

“Why is that important?” 

 

“Because Magnus likes it when you wear green.” Jace reappeared with the shirt in question, and tossed it at Alec. “Put it on.” 

 

Alec wanted to complain, and crawl back in bed to hide, but he slipped the shirt on.

 

He hoped Jace could feel how thankful he was.

* * *

 

“You said we’d be doing this the right way,” Alec said, rubbing his hands together. He and Jace only had a few more blocks to go, meaning he had about fifteen minutes to figure out what he was going to say. “Elaborate.” 

“I mean, when you go in there, don’t do what you always do,” Jace said. “Apologize and sulk until he takes you back. You’re not doing that anymore.” 

“I don’t know,” Alec muttered. “Maybe this isn’t a good idea. Should I call him? I should call.” He turned to head back towards the Institute, but Jace’s hand shot out to grip the back of his neck.

“You’re not bailing, either,” He said, pulling Alec down the street. 

“Let go of me.” Alec hit his arm until he released him.

“I’m not sorry,” Jace shrugged. “It’s been over twenty-four hours. You’ve had more than enough time to prepare yourself, but you were too busy crying.”

“Oh, forgive me for crying after having my heart ripped out.” Alec crossed his arms.

“Hey,” Jace looked him in the eye. “Same side, remember?” He relaxed a bit. 

“Right,” He nodded. They were getting closer. “I don’t know what to say to him. I feel like I’ve been repeating myself this entire time.”

“Tell him what you told me.” Jace said. 

“We talked for over an hour,” Alec frowned. 

_ Always so literal. _

“So give him the short version,” Jace sighed. “Out of everything you said, the one thing I gathered was that despite all that pain, you love him, and you’re willing to forgive him if he can forgive you. There, I just cut an hour down to about five seconds.”

Alec held onto that sentence the rest of the way there, repeating it over and over. In truth, his forgiveness came without conditions. He’d do it in a heartbeat; who cares how hard it was, or how badly it hurt at times? He loved him too much to care. The only problem was, Magnus never apologized, so Alec never had the chance to truly forgive him for anything. Then again, he

never felt the need to  _ say  _ he was sorry, because Alec made it clear that he wasn’t in the wrong. 

But Alec only acted that way because  _ he’d hurt Magnus _ , and he didn’t want to do that  _ ever  _ again, so he let himself be hurt instead, because  _ it was only fair _ , and it was the least he could do, and it was  _ better than being broken up _ , and he’d  _ rather shed a thousand tears than go back to feeling the way he felt the night Magnus had walked away with his heart in his hands _ , because that had  _ nearly killed him _ , only  _ death would’ve been kinder _ , because-

“Alec!” Jace snapped his fingers in front of Alec’s face. He gasped and looked around, trying to hide the trembling in his hands. 

They’d made it to Magnus’ building.

“Jace,” Alec sounded serious. “I can’t breathe.”

“That’s exactly what you said to Lydia when Magnus walked in at the wedding,” Jace said. “And two minutes later, you kissed him like you’d never see him again.” 

“That was different,” Alec’s mouth went dry. “I was better back then. That was before I got so weak, and stupid, and-  _ fuck _ , why am I here?” Alec ran his hands through his hair, laughing bitterly.

“I’m pathetic,” He shook his head. “I can’t go without him for longer than a day. No wonder he’s sick of me.”

“Hey,” Jace put his hands on his shoulders. “Look at me.”

“I can’t do this,” Alec said. “I should go.”

“Alec,” Jace said sharply. “Get your shit together, soldier. You’re  _ not  _ weak. You’re not stupid for coming here. You’re not pathetic for wanting to work things out with the man you love. You’re strong, and worth every ounce of struggle. If he can’t handle you at your worst, then he does  _ not  _ deserve you at your best. You shouldn’t have to beg to be treated decently.” Jace had resorted to bluntness to get his ass in gear, and it made Alec smile. 

That was  _ his  _ job. He was supposed to be the curt one.

Jace seemed to realize it as well, because he flashed a grin of his own before rolling his eyes. He smoothed Alec’s shirt and tore a loose thread off one of his sleeves. 

“Go get him, tiger.” He pat Alec on the back before turning to sit on the curb. “I’ll be right here.”

“Why?” Alec looked down at him quizzically. He was sure Jace had only come along to keep him from chickening out. 

“In case you need someone to carry you home.” They exchanged a look, and Alec regretted having waited so long to pull Jace in the loop.

Isabelle may have always known what to say, but now, it was clear that Jace knew what to  _ do _ .

Alec stared at the entrance and counted to ten before going inside.

* * *

 

Magnus was stretched out on the couch, drunk beyond belief. It took maximum effort, given his four hundred years of tolerance, but he’d done it. He slurred his words, and moved his hands sloppily as he droned on and on about his fight with Alec. Catarina sat across from him in the easy chair, inserting the perfect amount of  _ mhmm _ ’s and  _ oh you poor thing _ ’s to let Magnus know she was still listening. 

“Be honest with me, dear,” Magnus threw an arm over his eyes. “Did I do the right thing, or have I made another mistake?”

Catarina swirled the ice in her own glass. “I’ve never known you to do anything drastic if your heart wasn’t in it.” 

Catarina certainly raised an eyebrow when she learned Magnus and Alec were back together after everything that went down, but she hadn’t judged him at all. Love made you do strange things, like jump back into a relationship less than forty-eight hours after finding out your boyfriend neglected to tell you that the weapon needed to commit mass genocide against you and your people was missing. 

It was strange indeed, but still, she didn’t judge.

Magnus groaned and rolled over to face her. He was beside himself. His heart wasn't in it at  _ all _ . He’d been caught up in the heat of the moment, and did what he always did: say something to hurt Alec. Nothing else worked, so he resorted to words he knew would cut the deepest. 

_ I don’t trust you anymore. I don’t care about you anymore. You’re nothing to me. You’re dead to me. Your presence makes me sick.  _

Despite the steady flow of drinks Catarina poured him, he couldn’t shake the acidic taste those words - those  _ lies  _ \- left on his tongue. 

Magnus thought it was ridiculous, the way he’d been carrying on. He should’ve tried harder. Alec was  _ always  _ trying; he tried so fucking hard, it was painful to watch. 

This was one of the pitfalls of love. The times where you just  _ couldn’t  _ forgive that  _ one  _ thing, but you were too selfish to let go until it had nearly torn one of you apart.

Oh, how he wished he’d been more selfish. 

“I should’ve waited,” Magnus murmured. “I wanted to wait, but you didn’t see the way he was looking at me, Cat. He said he didn’t think he could live without me. I was still angry, but I missed him  _ so _ much.” It was the truth.

He’d been so angry, he could hardly speak, until Alec was standing right in front of him, glassy eyed and nervous, asking him if they could talk. Magnus couldn’t turn him away then, not when he was looking at him with so much love. 

Catarina sighed and stood up.

“Where are you going?” He pouted.

“Home,” She said. “You should be saying these things to Alec, not me. Besides, it’s late. I need to get home to Madzie.” Sweet pea.

_ Alec’s favorite little sorceress.  _

Catarina grabbed her purse and turned to Magnus. He was a sight for sore eyes; smudged eyeliner, silk robe, and all. “Magnus…” 

“I know,” He groaned. “I have to learn to think before I speak.”

“That’s true,” She said. “But what I was going to say is, if you feel like things are truly over between the two of you, then you need to make that clear. Otherwise, it just looks like you’ve been keeping Alec around for the sole purpose of treating him badly.” 

“No,” Magnus frowned. “No, that’s not what happened.” Catarina raised an eyebrow as if to say  _ are you sure _ ?

“When someone hurts you, you don’t have to hurt them back,” She added softly. “Sometimes, it’s better to let them go, because no good can come from playing tug-of-war with a blade. All it does is cut you both to pieces. Alec may have done an awful thing, but he’s a good man, Magnus. He doesn’t deserve this, and neither do you.” Magnus was already on his back, glaring at the ceiling, but Catarina knew her words hadn’t gone unheard.

There was a way to fix this. He couldn’t take back his behavior for the last few months, but he could definitely fix it. 

That didn’t mean he had to like the solution.


	4. Chapter 4

Hours after Cat left Magnus with a heavy heart, there was a knock at the door. Magnus hesitated upon opening it, knowing who he’d find on the other side. 

 

_ Alec _ .

 

He looked like a beautiful disaster in  _ that  _ dark green shirt, and his eyes red around the rims. He whispered a  _ hello _ , and Magnus knew he’d been crying for hours. It made him angry with himself all over again.

 

He’d sent Alec away to spare him pain, and ended up inflicting more. 

 

In spite of it all, Alec stood taller when he entered the loft, and felt more sure of himself. Magnus shut the door but didn’t turn. He couldn’t face Alec just yet, couldn’t bear to hear the same speech flow from those beautiful lips.

 

_ I’m sorry. I love you. _

 

It wasn’t enough. God, why wasn’t it enough?

 

“I’m done crying,” Alec began. “I’m done fighting, and I’m done begging, but I will  _ never  _ be done loving you.” Magnus never thought he would - not for one second - but it was nice to hear regardless. 

 

Alec kept watching Magnus, and the way he stood with his hand still on the door, tension flowing through every limb. 

 

“I can’t go back in time to change anything, but I can change where we go from here, if you’ll let me,” He went on. “If you’re willing, I’ll gladly tear your clothes off, and write a thousand apologies on your skin with my tongue. If you want to put all this behind us once and for all, I can do that, too, but this rut we’re in now...I have to get out of it, and I’d prefer we came out of it together.” Magnus still hadn’t moved, and Alec was growing more nervous by the second, but he didn’t show it. 

 

Jace’s words had stuck with him in the elevator on the way up. He shouldn’t have to beg to be treated decently, and no matter how badly he wanted to fall on his knees and do just that, he remained upright, waiting for Magnus to speak. 

 

Magnus had his eyes closed, trying to process what Alec had just said. He said he was done, yet here he was, singing the same song in a slightly different pitch. He was willing to do anything - all Magnus had to do was ask, and damn it, he wanted to ask. He said he’d write his apologies on Magnus’ skin with his  _ tongue _ , for fuck’s sake. The cycle had to end, because if they kept going down that road, Alec would grow to resent him as well, and Magnus couldn’t bear the thought of it.  

 

When he turned around again, Alec was standing at ease, and he had to remind himself to breathe at the sight of him. Shoulders squared, hands clasped behind his back, jaw set, eyes staring straight into Magnus’ soul. He was a soldier, after all; it made sense that he’d show up prepared for battle. 

 

Moments passed, and not a word was said between them. Magnus took in the casual, aloof expression on Alec’s face, and felt his own eyes softening. Alec wasn’t readying himself for a blowout at all. 

 

_ This was his armor.  _

 

He knew everything was on Magnus now, and that he held the power to either lift him up, or bring him to his knees, so he was steeling himself, mentally preparing for both. Magnus exhaled shakily, averting his eyes. 

 

He didn’t want this. He didn’t want Alec on edge, constantly awaiting ultimatums. He wanted  _ his  _ Alexander back; the one that blushed at compliments, the one that came home anxious to tell him about his day, the one that sent chills down his spine every time they made love. 

 

_ Love.  _

 

Why couldn’t it be enough, just this once? 

 

“Are you sure you want me to make that choice?” Magnus looked at Alec from under his lashes in time to see him nod once. 

 

“I’m sure.” Magnus tried to swallow, but couldn’t. 

 

“Leave,” The word came out stronger than he felt. “Because if you stay, you’re going to get hurt.” 

 

He’d been watching Alec like a hawk as he spoke, absolutely positive he’d be in for another fight, but Alec’s stance never faltered, and the only movement he made came from the gentle parting of his lips to ask a question. 

 

“How?” The vulnerability in that single word made Magnus shut his eyes. “How can I leave you? How can you expect me to?” Alec had arrived with a fresher mindset and newer approach, but expected the same result. 

 

He was tired of feeling the way he did, but the feeling of being without Magnus was even worse. Why was he pushing him away this time? Did he really not love him anymore?

 

Magnus went to him and gently grabbed Alec’s hands, smoothing his thumbs over his knuckles. Again, there was a thickening silence, but Alec could practically hear Magnus’ thoughts in the way he sighed. 

 

_ Oh, Alexander.  _

 

“Do you know what the first step in fixing a toxic relationship is?” He asked softly. Alec shook his head. 

 

“It’s recognizing the toxic behavior, and stopping immediately,” Magnus said. “It’s taking a step back to look at the way you’ve treated someone, and making an effort to correct it.” 

 

“Magnus,” Alec stepped closer. He could feel the heat radiating off of Magnus’ skin. “Stop it. This isn’t toxic. We’re too-  _ you’re  _ too good to be toxic.” 

 

“Alec, please.” Magnus squeezed his hands. 

 

_ Please, listen to me.  _

 

“I know this is hard to hear,” He said. “Believe me, it’s not easy to say, either, but I’m not wrong. You hurt me - once, and deeply - but the way I’ve treated you ever since…” He laid a hand on Alec’s cheek when he tried to turn away. 

 

“Alexander, I’m sorry.” 

 

Alec made a noise in the back of his throat that fell somewhere between a gasp and a cry. He hadn’t known how three simple words could manage to hurt and heal him at the same time. 

 

All those nights he’d spent alone, wanting nothing but the warmth of Magnus’s arms around him. All the hopeful smiles he’d plastered on his face, hoping Magnus would mirror them. Every chaste kiss, fleeting touch, and longing sigh. They’d all been smoothed over with a single sentence. 

 

_ Alexander, I’m sorry.  _

 

He was sorry, and he was forgiven, all in the same second. 

 

And that was why the cycle had to end. 

 

“Try not to think of the leaving part,” Magnus’ voice was low and careful. “Our lives and loves are circles and spirals rolled into one glorious mess. You’re going, but it’s only for now - not for good. There’s no stronger glue in all the universe than true love, and I see in your heart and mind that that’s what we share. Separation can only ever be temporary. Love is the only path we should follow. Please, don’t think of this as abandonment. Know that it’s the only way to be certain we stay together in the future.” Much to his own surprise, Alec’s knees didn’t buckle at Magnus’ words. 

 

Maybe this is what Magnus really wanted to say that night in the alley behind Hunter’s Moon. Maybe, if they’d taken their time from the beginning, they could’ve avoided all of this, but it was far too late for wistful thinking. Alec hadn’t known any better. Back then, he was a selfish lover, and wanted Magnus back no matter the cost. Now that he’d paid the price at least a hundred times over, he’d be more careful the next time around. 

 

_ If only he could turn back time. _

 

Magnus released Alec’s hands, but didn’t move away from him. He wanted to stand there just a little while longer, letting Alec’s presence consume him. His scent, his eyes -  _ fuck _ , maybe he should move. 

 

“Can I-” Alec’s voice broke, and he took a deep breath before trying again. “Can I have one thing before I go?” 

 

“Anything.” It was a loaded word, but earned. 

 

Alec reached for Magnus’ waist and pulled him closer. Their lips met, and Magnus wanted to sob and curse at the same time. Alec was pouring  _ everything  _ into that kiss; heart and soul and all his love, as if he wasn’t going to walk out the door at any moment. He kissed him so sweetly, it was almost cruel, but not nearly as cruel as Magnus had been in the past. A single tear managed to escape, and he prayed Alec didn’t feel it against his skin. 

 

They pulled apart, and  _ thank the Angel _ , Alec didn’t linger. He turned and left with his head held high, and thoughts of the joyous reunion waiting for them somewhere down the line. 

 

Magnus brought his fingers to his lips, still tingling from Alec’s kiss. If he’d know that  _ that  _ was what Alec had been holding back, he wouldn’t have denied him for so long. Hell, he wouldn’t have denied him at all. For now, all he could do was stand and savor the taste of his lips, because it’d be the last time he kissed them for a while. Alec was gone. 

 

He sucked in a breath. 

 

_ Alec was gone, and Magnus felt no pain.  _

 

Alec was gone, and he was free to do some soul searching without hurting anyone else in the process. He wouldn’t stop working on himself until he was better, and ready to love Alec the way he deserved to be loved: with no bounds, or grudges. 

 

Just like before.

* * *

 

Alec came out of the building some time later, walking as if he were in a daze. Jace looked up from his phone, and hopped to his feet. 

“How’d it go?” He asked, looking at Alec curiously. He wasn’t in tears - a good sign - but he wasn’t speaking. 

He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a ring. Jace leaned in to get a better look, and felt his jaw dropping. 

The band itself was black in color with a matte finish, and five stones embedded in its surface. Two sapphires, reminiscent of the royal blue often associated with Alec; inside those two, were a pair of rubies, blood red in color. Those had to have been for Magnus. The center stone was slightly larger, and sparkled no matter which way the light hit it. 

“By the angel,” Jace gasped, bewildered. “You  _ proposed  _ to him?” Had he known Alec was going to do  _ that _ , he would’ve drug him back to the Institute so he could talk some sense into him. 

Alec shook his head, and Jace exhaled. 

“Wait,” His eyes widened. “Did he propose to  _ you _ ?” 

Alec slipped the ring back into his pocket. “Today would’ve been our first anniversary.” It felt strange, saying it out loud. 

He’d been measuring the passage of time all wrong. A few months here, a couple weeks there - he had it  _ all wrong _ . Their relationship had been dragging on this way for an entire  _ year,  _ and worst of all, he’d let it. 

“It’s a promise ring.” Alec said. “I wanted to give it to him last night.” 

“Alec…” The revelation hit Jace like a ton of bricks, and he felt terrible. He didn’t know what to say. 

“It’s fine. We’re going to be fine. He just needs some time on his own, that’s all. I’m fine.” Alec appeared to be holding up fairly well, but he used the word  _ fine  _ three times in five seconds, and Jace knew it was only a matter of time before his mask crumbled. 

He had to act fast. 

“Come on buddy,” He placed his hand on Alec’s shoulder. “Let’s get you home.” 

_ Home? Where is home, exactly?  _

The walk back to the Institute was a silent one. 

* * *

 

As soon as they’d made it back, Jace made a beeline to his own bedroom, digging through a drawer before heading over to Alec’s.

Alec was standing near the foot of his bed, eyes already shimmering with tears. Jace put a hand up, silently begging him to keep the floodgates closed for a few more seconds. He held up a thin, silver chain, and reached into Alec’s pocket for the ring. 

“My mother wore my father’s ring to feel close to him,” He said, sliding the ring onto it and moving to stand behind Alec. “I want you to wear yours so that when you feel like you’re falling apart, and it hurts to breathe, you’ll remember your promise ring, and what it means to you. You love Magnus, and he loves you so much, he let you go. He loves you, Alec. Nothing will ever change that.” Once the chain was fastened around Alec’s neck, he caught his shoulder to turn him around. 

Alec’s fingers closed around the ring, and when he looked at Jace again, fresh tears were falling from his eyes, and he was smiling like a madman in the rain. 

_ Perhaps this is how an angel cries after all. _

“I’m fine, Jace,” His voice broke. “It’s alright. I’m fine.” 

Jace shook his head, and threw his arms around Alec anyway, already anticipating the moment he’d no longer be able to stand. 

“No, you’re not,” He whispered. “But you will be. I’ve got you.” 

Sobs tore through Alec’s chest like a wrecking ball, but Jace never let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This, like Hurt From Afar, is one of those stories that took me a few days to get through, because of how personal it was to me. I've been every character in this story at one point in time: the one that can't let go, the one desperately wanting to move forward, the one who treated people badly as a way of coping with my own anger, the one who people like to treat badly, and the one on the outside looking in, realizing something was wrong. 
> 
> When people talk about love, they often neglect to discuss how cruel it can be. Love is liberating, but it can also be one of life's deadliest traps. I'm rambling again, but I hope you enjoyed this, for all intents and purposes.


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